Navigating Sex, Libido & Intimacy as the Non-Birthing Parent
There’s a lot of conversation about how birth changes everything for the person who carries the child. And that’s valid- it’s a seismic shift. But what’s often left out of the conversation is you- the parent who didn’t give birth.
Whether you’re the partner in a hetero relationship, a co-mother via surrogacy or IVF, a queer father, or an adoptive parent- this massive life transition affects you, too. Your relationship, your mental health, your sense of self- and yes, your libido- are probably also shifting.
So, let’s talk about it. Class is in session…
You might be grieving, too- and that’s okay
Maybe you miss your partner. Miss feeling desired. Miss spontaneous sex or even shared time without interruption. Maybe you feel invisible now, like the baby has become the centre of the universe and you're floating around the edges. Maybe you're touched out from constant caretaking- or craving touch and connection you're no longer getting.
It’s okay to feel lonely, disconnected, or even rejected. It doesn’t make you selfish. It makes you human.
Your libido might be shifting- and that’s normal
Parenthood changes the erotic landscape for everyone. You might feel more desire as a way to reconnect and feel close. Or you might feel your own libido drop due to stress, fatigue, or emotional disconnection. This doesn’t make you broken, or unloving. It makes you adjusting.
If you’re in a relationship with the birth parent- support goes deeper than sex
Here’s what real support can look like:
Be present without pressure. Show affection, offer help, and give space- without making it about “when sex will be back.”
Own your feelings. It’s okay to want closeness or to feel frustrated. Express it, without guilt-tripping or withdrawing.
Re-learn your intimacy rhythm together. Sex might not look like it used to. That doesn’t mean it’s over- it just means you’re co-creating something new.
Make space for their healing- and your own. Whether it’s emotional, physical, or hormonal, you’re both navigating a kind of recovery.
If you're not in a partnered situation- your experience still matters
Maybe you're a single adoptive parent, a co-dad, or in a queer platonic co-parenting dynamic. You still deserve:
Recognition of the huge identity shift you've undergone
Time and tools to reconnect with your body and desires
Validation that your sexuality, needs, and mental health don’t get shelved indefinitely.
This article is in recognition of every kind of parent.
Because your experience, your body, and your needs matter, too.